If you’ve seen Disney’s Aladdin or watched Indian Match Making on Netflix, then you’ve heard of arranged marriages and arranged marriage set-ups. In case you haven’t, it’s the idea of your parents or someone in your family, finding your other half, or your life partner for you. Basically, it’s almost like a lifelong blind date.
I couldn’t escape it. Day in and day out, it’s always the same thing: people are asking, when are you getting married?! I don’t understand who these people are but if you’re a South Asian like I am, then you’ve heard of these mysterious people as well. I can bet my life on it. Don’t lie.
Back during the lockdown, my parents made it their life’s goal to see me married by the time the world opens up again. We plan the wedding and the exact moment the restrictions are gone, BAM! You are now husband and wife.
How It All Began: Arranged Marriage Coin Toss
My aunt has a friend with a single son. He’s around my age and lives independently in California. I’m based out of New York but no one cares about that. Our family swapped numbers without us knowing–I swear I’m not lying. Now they’re waiting for us to start chatting like we’re the bestest of friends.
I’m a girl and it’ll look pushy if I start–my aunt told me. Did I listen? Nope. I waited three weeks and got nothing, so I decided to push. I messaged him and had to wait three days for a response. At this point, we haven’t even seen each other’s pictures.
Once the convo started, both parents were keen on exchanging pictures of us. This was the beginning of a very bad arranged marriage setup (spoiler alert).
Arranged Marriage First Innings
I have never been in a relationship and rightly so because of my overprotective and traditional Indian parents. That issue is a whole other discussion so if I’m lucky, I’ll share that at another time over some tea and coffee.
To protect his privacy, not that he’s a celebrity or anything, let’s call the guy Garry. He was reluctant to talk on the phone, and I was growing bored with sending everything over WhatsApp. That was the first red light. My mind kept telling me he wasn’t interested but for some reason, my family didn’t see that. He’s a shy and very timid guy. You need to have him open up to you.
I tried my best to stay calm and chat with him like he was my long-lost best friend. The fact that we both spoke the same native language helped no doubt, but something was still off.
Eventually, the texts turned into weekly phone calls and usually, those happened on Sundays. The first two Sundays we had a long chat about everything and anything. Naturally I felt like things were moving in the right direction. Both of us agreed that we were easy to talk to.
At this point, our families ask us if we’re serious about marriage (if not to each other, then in general). I’m definitely looking to settle down but I want to spend some time with the guy before we legalize it. He shared similar views and instead of that encouraging me, I doubted the situation even more.
Are Arranged Marriages (and Setups) Still Relevant?
Arranged marriages are still common practice and I have nothing against it. If it’s difficult for you to find someone organically, it doesn’t hurt to be set up with someone by your family. It’s like a blind date set up by your friends. My issue is the time.
You can’t expect me to make a decision in three meetings, marry on our fourth meeting and have a child 9 months later. NO.
Arranged marriage set-ups are usually called bride viewings or groom viewings (depending on the party). In most cases, the guy comes to the girl–making it a bride viewing. Women like to call it a groom viewing but I think that’s just to us feel better. In some regions, the stupidest things are asked of the girl and her family. For example, “What can she cook? Can she sing? Can you ask her to walk for us?”
The Real Problem with “Garry”
As I asked around in my family about “Garry,” everyone had one thing to say: He’s not an easy guy to deal with. I’m shocked you guys are thinking of an arranged marriage, or even a groom viewing with him!
What?
Keeping all this in mind, I decided to ask him if he wanted to video chat. We’ve been talking for around three months now and I figure, why not. What’s the harm? My parents were keen on him visiting us in NY but before that, I felt, a video call was harmless.
Or so I thought.
Garry stood me up three times.
Even though we weren’t a couple, his behavior hurt. I was beginning to believe my family. Maybe he needed time. We were talking normally and things were OK. So what happened?
My parents asked me to wait. They justified his behavior by assuring me that he was busy, and he was looking for the right time to call. Going against all rules of the How to Behave Like a Proper Indian Girl handbook, I let it all out in a lengthy message to him.
I ended it.
I wasn’t wasting time with someone that couldn’t put in an effort to make this work. If he claimed to be serious about settling down, then what was the problem? In all our conversations I always told him, “You can tell me anything. If you wanna say ‘no’ that’s OK too. We’re friends. Lemme help you.”
It turned out that Garry was hiding a relationship from his parents. His parents still live in India while he, their eldest child moved to California. He’s been in a relationship with a non-brown girl.
He could have said that three months ago. Garry could have ended all this and saved his parents from embarrassment. Months later, I hear nasty things about his behavior from other girls who chat with him as well! One girl went on to explain how she knew Garry was gay.
In the end, Garry’s life is his life. But that doesn’t give him the right to play with people’s emotions.
I’ll say that under different circumstances things might have gone differently. What families need to understand is that before having thoughts of an arranged marriage setup, or any setup, is to have some sort of introduction of both parties with one another under other pretenses, not just marriage. Don’t lie to the kids about it, be open and communicate!
This is only one bad experience with an arranged marriage setup. I’ve had two more but am I against arranged marriages? Call me sadistic, but no, I’m not.
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September 22, 2022 at 10:12 am[…] down upon if you’re South Asian like I am. When my parents decided to start looking for a potential groom for me, the first thing they told me was: You’re going to need to lose […]