As a woman (and I’m not trying to be sexist, I’m a woman so I relate to other women, so chill) we play many roles in society and most of it starts at home. We’re programmed to be caretakers and nurturers and encouraged to be working women. We need to be someone’s listener, problem solver, etc…the list is endless. But how do you stop being taken for granted? How can you increase your self-worth? There are days when I personally feel that I’m no more than a machine that provides a service to other people. How do we stop that from happening? If we don’t voice our problems, we become part of the problem. We become enablers. It’s time to take a step back and put yourself first. But how?
What does it mean to be taken for granted?
I feel like we throw the phrase “taken for granted,” around a lot, but what does it really mean? Being taken for granted means that the people you support, make time for, or the people that depend on you that you’re always going to be there. In turn, because they know you’ll be there, they don’t appreciate you for what you do. They assume that you will always be there to do things for them.
Horrible feeling, isn’t it?
Being taken for granted affects you in a more serious way than you think. By getting in the habit of “being” there for others, you don’t realize that soon enough, you’re becoming a people pleaser. You want to make others happy. You begin to push yourself to do anything that makes you feel appreciated.
Out of experience, I’ll say this: once you develop this habit, there’s almost no turning back. You don’t want to fall down that well. You start once and it’s a snowball effect.
If you change your mindset though, it is possible.
Increase your self-worth
The first thing that you need to understand is that until you respect yourself, no one else is going to respect you. Self-respect is very important.
Take a step back and think about what you do for those you care for. The simplest things like calling them, or taking care of a job or chore for them can add up. Why do you do it? You feel good and knowing that they would appreciate it, makes you feel even better. But once it becomes a habit, it’s just expected. The things you do for others aren’t necessarily things that they cannot do for themselves.
Stop doing everything for others. Respect yourself. If you feel you’re in a position where things are just expected from you, then stop doing them. No one can make you do anything. The choice is always yours.
People assume that by helping others, you increase your self-worth. While that is partly true, there’s a limit. Overdoing anything that’s “good” is never a good thing. Too much of anything is bad. It’s human nature that once things are done repeatedly, it becomes a habit.
Courtney Ackerman has an amazing article about ways you can build your self-worth.
Set boundaries and stand up for yourself
There’s no way for others to know what you feel without you telling them. If anyone, even if it’s someone you love, crosses a certain line, tell them! You don’t have to be rude about it, but it’s best to stop them at that given moment. There’s no point in waiting for the “right time,” because it doesn’t exist! If you wait, you’re only increasing the chances of a fight. Be assertive and polite and make it known that there’s a boundary. Anything that crosses that boundary will not be tolerated.
Put yourself first and say “No.”
Saying “No” doesn’t have to make you feel guilty. As a woman, I feel that we tend to give in because we want to be loving and supportive of others. While there’s nothing wrong with doing this, it quickly becomes expected and we put ourselves on the back burner. It’s important to put yourself first.
“No,” doesn’t mean you’re saying it forever. If there’s something that you need to get done, then do that first. If you don’t take time out for yourself, no one else is going to do it for you. Put your foot down and do what you need to get done.
Don’t break your plans for someone else. If there’s something you planned to do or there’s an event you wanted to attend, then go for it! Remember, giving it up for someone else, becomes a habit. If someone is really in a tight situation and needs your help urgently, once or twice is ok, but don’t make it a habit. Instead what you can do is help out by finding alternatives for them to solve their problem. But don’t make their problem your problem.
Stop thinking of what others think
As a society, we’ve become used to depending on others for approval. It’s a hard habit to break! No matter where we go or what we watch, we’re surrounded by media telling us that society makes or breaks us. But when it comes to you as a person, your mental health, and doing things that make you feel better—no one is more important than you. Stop thinking about what other people are thinking. It doesn’t matter. No matter what you do, good or bad, people will always talk and will always think about what they want.
Don’t think about the things that you have no control over. Let it go and put yourself first.
This should be its own paragraph but, let negative people go. You agree, don’t you? We could write books about how negative people in our lives have only made things worse. It’s true! Why are they in your life?
Many times, we feel guilty about shutting people out or breaking contact with them. But why? For example, if you know something isn’t healthy for you, do you continue to eat it? Eh, bad example, especially for a foodie like me. Ok, if something is poisonous to you, would you consume it? No, right?
Negative people, people that bring you down, people that only discourage you from moving ahead—those are poisonous to you. Take them out of your life.
Face those that took you for granted
You don’t want to break off a relationship because of one mistake. If you feel a loved one or someone really close to you is taking you for granted, then face them. The most important thing you can do in a relationship is to talk about your problems.
Tell the person how you feel, but don’t be argumentative.
Don’t indulge someone out of guilt. You’re only enabling the behavior. Tell them how you feel and set boundaries.
Ask for what you want, and talk about your expectations. Don’t be afraid to do this. Many of us let that feeling build up inside and the day the tipping point comes along BOOM! We just blow up! Tell the person what you expect from them because chances are, they don’t know. People don’t always take others for granted on purpose. If they did, they wouldn’t be in your life, to begin with. But those that make that mistake, might be doing it without realizing it or out of habit. Maybe they’re used to you being selfless about it. Being selfless is good, but not to the point where it starts to affect your mental health.
Encourage good behavior
Although this one might sound obvious, it’s important to encourage good behavior in others so that they will be inspired to do well by you. For example, if someone does something for you, appreciate it and make sure you show that appreciation.
At times we feel that we show appreciation towards others, but in fact, we’re not. Take time out to tell the person that they mean something to you. Tell them that you feel touched that they thought of you.
If we don’t encourage this behavior in others, it’s kind of hypocritical to expect it in return, isn’t it?
At the end of the day, we want to spread love and be there for one another. But that doesn’t mean you lose your identity and self-worth. Communicate your feelings with others. Tell people that they have hurt you. This is how relationships grow to be healthy. The next time you feel something, say something!
